The Bright Side

Christmas is a time for cheerfulness and joy, and while most people are high on happiness and drunk on eggnog, some find it difficult to get into the Christmas spirit, especially when their wallets are empty from buying presents, and it’s the middle of December and there isn’t a single inch of goddamn snow on the ground. So to help spread Christmas cheer I decided to think of ways to see the bright side of life this December.

First off, don’t be depressed if you don’t have a significant other to share the holidays with. In reality, not having a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/domestic partner is probably easier than having one. Think about all the advantages to being single: you don’t have to deal with the stress of accepting the 24-carat white gold ring your perfect boyfriend proposed to you with; you can become majorly obese eating whatever delicious holiday food you want without being judged; you can unsuccessfully flirt with all of your colleagues at the staff Christmas parties while their spouses get mad; and most importantly you have full control of the TV remote at all times. You’ll be able to cry all you want over It’s A Wonderful Life, stuff caramel popcorn into your face, and drink full fat eggnog. Full fat, dammit! Best of all you’ll become a complete pro at ignoring your family’s questions about why you aren’t married yet. Pure bliss.

Next, don’t worry if you don’t have the best phone, car, house, job, or any other so-called “necessities of life” during the holiday season. If you think about it, it’s so much more convenient not having a damn thing to your name. You’ll never get robbed since you don’t have anything worth taking, and if a robber does try to mug you, you can just explain to him that you’re just as bad off as he is, and you two will instantly become homies. In addition, think about how nice it is to have a shitty phone. It won’t break if you drop it from the 42nd story of a building, and you’ll save money since no one will ever want to borrow it. In addition, it’s so much more effective to angrily slam down the screen of a dinosaur flip phone after a phone argument than it is to awkwardly tap the END button on the touchscreen on your 4G device.

Lastly, don’t be upset if you don’t receive presents from anyone this Christmas. In reality, the presents you might have received wouldn’t have been that great anyways. Did you really want an additional pair of knit socks to add to your collection from great-aunt Sharon? Or yet another expired coupon to Chili’s from that creepy old neighbor who lives with his 47 cats next door? And really, presents aren’t event that important. It’s the Christmas spirit inside of you that counts… or some shit like that. Unless of course, you are in fact on the receiving end of a 24-carat white gold ring, in which case take it and run.

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