Perks Of Being A Guy

           Being a girl is hard work. You’re constantly expected to look pretty, smell nice, and have ultra-soft, hairless, legs. If you can’t cook you’re most likely going to be single for the rest of your life, and god forbid if you ever accidentally burp in public. You have way too many clothing options, and it’s a sin to wear the same exact outfit twice in a span of six months. Basically there aren’t many advantages to being a girl. And if there are, I don’t really want to discuss them at all… I just want to feel sorry for myself and detail exactly what I would do if I were a guy.

            If I was part of the male gender, I would take advantage of the fact that my fashion selections were limited to a t-shirt and either pants or shorts. I wouldn’t ever bother to take time matching my socks to my outfit, and would only shave for weddings, birthdays, and the occasional “Most Attractive Man” photo-shoot. I’d roll out of bed and not worry about my hair, and would spray on too much sexy-smelling cologne to get all of the attractive ladies who would obviously flock to me like in an Axe commercial.

If I were a man, I would swear too goddamn fucking much, and never have to apologize for it, bitches. I would be very suave, tip waitresses 50% every time I took a beautiful woman out to dinner, and maybe slip them my number if they were attractive enough. The only thing I would ever worry about cleaning up would be my credit history- not my act, not my room, and definitely not the dishes. I’d buy a bachelor pad and decorate it fully in leather and sports paraphernalia, without a trace of lace or chiffon anywhere. I wouldn’t even know what chiffon was, dammit.

If I was a guy, my phone conversations would always be short and sweet, and the line for the bathroom would be nonexistent. I’d never have to worry about if my boobs were too small or if the new jeans I bought made my butt look big. My last name would stay put forever, and underwear would cost $10 for a three-pack. Showing up at a party in the same outfit as another guy wouldn’t mean emotional trauma, but rather an opportunity to make a best friend. I’d be able to wear a white shirt to a waterpark, and wouldn’t require a support group to accompany me to the mall. Above all, I’d be able to go to the bathroom anytime, anywhere.

Being a guy beats being a girl any day. I rest my case.

WordCount: 445