Another Cinderella Story

        People say you can't live without love. Personally, I think oxygen is more important. I think people in today's age are actually entirely  misguided about what the hell love actually is. Or what a relationship is, for that matter. Maybe it's because we spend hours everyday watching "reality" TV shows like The Real Housewives and Keeping up with the Kardashians. Or maybe it's because when someone we know actually gets in a relationship we have to deal with the irritation as they put up millions of pictures and posts and statuses about how goddamn great their whole love life is going, and how lucky they are to have so-and-so in their life and blah blah. Hearts and smiley faces. Happiness and infatuation. And then, two weeks later, we have to deal with that same somebody sobbing on our shoulders and consuming ungodly amounts of Ben & Jerry's while blubbering about their failed relationship. 

I've always wondered how the relationships of our grandparents' generation seem to be so much more enriching and successful than the whirlwind romances (if you can even call it that) of today's youth. It's so gratifying to hear about those couples that just celebrated their 50th anniversary, or are awaiting the birth of their second grandson. How did they make it work? Why were they able to stay together so long? A reporter once asked a couple how they were able to stay together for 65 years, to which the woman replied "we were born in a time when if something was broken we'd fix it… not throw it away". Not only that, but back in older days, there wasn't any media to look to for examples on how to live your life, no Vogue or Seventeen to read for advice on relationships. 

It's almost worrisome seeing some relationships that seem to be created for the sole intent of adding data to Google Images. It makes you wonder if this couple ever talks, or if the basis of their "relationship" is just having an iPhone camera snapping away at all times. Do they even know each other at all? I don't really think people nowadays understand that whole concept. The idea that maybe there's more to a relationship than just broadcasting it all over Facebook. That if they put down their cameras and logged off of their social media, they could maybe actually get to fucking know each another. I really just think that if everyone just stopped trying to make their relationship picture-perfect they'd actually have a chance at making a relationship work. Your life isn't going to be this flawless tale of love. Stop trying to create another Cinderella story, and try just being yourself for a change. 

WordCount: 447 

Tennis Is A Quiet Sport

  What is the purpose of a sport? For the players it might be a passion, or something to keep them active and fit. For a coach it may be to share knowledge of the sport or maybe to let out childhood angst by yelling at America's youth. But for spectators and fans, the entire reason to watch a sport is to socialize with friends, cheer on the players, and make noise. Lots of noise. Sports are loud events, they were created for the sole intent of letting out steam and burning energy. That's their entire purpose! And for most sporting events, this is usually socially acceptable. When was the last time you saw an audience sitting down completely quietly at a football game? Or a completely silent crowd at a basketball game? My guess would be never. 

Unfortunately, that's not true for all sports. Case in point: tennis. Tennis is a "quiet sport". If you've ever been to a tennis meet, you know that there is pin-drop (or rather, ball-drop) silence at these events. It's just the sound of the neon yellow ball hitting on racket strings, and adolescent boys hitting on girls in their short tennis skirts. There aren't any screaming fans or parents yelling at their children. It's a classy country-club-type sport, so any and all spectators are dressed in their Sunday best, and prefer strawberries and cream over peanuts and popcorn. The entire atmosphere is completely mellow- they could probably set up an ACT testing center right in the bleachers during a match. 

Technically, the logic behind this grave silence is understandable. If an overenthusiastic parent is yelling at their child while he or she is trying to serve the ball, it's reasonable to assume that the serve will most likely not be making it into the court. Seeing as tennis is a game of the utmost precision and accuracy, I suppose it makes sense that one should be as quiet as possible to allow the players to focus on the game. But with that said, I also feel that in many cases it strengthens a player's game to hear supporters yelling and cheering their name. Who doesn't want to be rooted for? Especially when it's just you playing your solo game, not backed up by a team or squad. Furthermore, it's important for athletes to know how to play under pressure and deal with a crowd. It's ridiculous for them to be sheltered from all of the noise in world- even in their classy country club environments. 

WordCount:421 

REALationship

Regardless of whether you’re a Facebook addict, tweeting fanatic or Instagram celebrity, almost everyone in today’s society partakes in social media. We constantly check our phones hoping for another like on that over-edited selfie we just posted, or yet another damned Twitter follower we don’t even know. Every detail of our pathetic lives must be documented in some way, whether it is through pictures, status updates, or location check-ins. Basically if it’s not online, it never happened. We constantly feel the need to be connected in some way to others- and with the extent of the social media and messaging networks nowadays, it’s not a difficult feat to accomplish.

However, despite the fact that we are constantly connected to those whom we wish to be connected to (or, more accurately, because of it), social media has ultimately ruined the meaning of establishing and being in a relationship. Everything in an internet-based relationship is published electronically, and each and every one of your 800 closest “friends” has total and complete access to it. It’s the 21^st century equivalent to your mother bugging you about your love life, except in this case it’s the entire World Wide Web, and they’ve already seen all the details of your latest scandalous romantic escapades on your unprotected Facebook profile.

Not only does social media make the entire breakdown of your relationship public, but it can, and almost certain will, affect said relationship itself. Granted, the internet is a great place to meet people. Maybe even exchange phone numbers and find a place to meet up for a cup of coffee. But social media is not, I repeat NOT for online dating. Don't get me wrong, I can understand why some people prefer spending hours on end messaging a new love interest they met online a week ago. It's exciting, new, mysterious, blah blah blah. But the little fact that many people conveniently forget is that people lie. Frequently.
                 Every person in the world is a big fucking liar. That "hot single Californian surfer frat boy" is more likely to be a potbellied high school drop out with bacne and a nonexistent social life (to his credit, the California part could be real, but that’s the only thing really going for him).The point is, you really don't know who you're getting involved with. And it's so easy to get carried away and pretend you really have a connection with someone when you've never actually met them in person. That's not a REALationship, its a relationSHIT.

WordCount: 429

College Mail

         If you're in high school or have ever been in high school, you've probably had to deal with college mail sometime in your life. Universities all over the country love wasting entire forests to brag about how (insert adjective here) and (insert synonym for "diverse" here) their school is, and how it's (insert sport here) team is one of the best in the nation. The most agitating part about the whole process is that each letter is personally addressed. They have this program that inserts each student's name into their letter multiple times, so it seems like a really personalized note or something. Bitch please. Students really aren't buying into all of that. Don't write to me like you know my name. You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know what I've been through. Just leave students and the dying forests of our Earth alone, dammit. 

One thing I've never understood are the give-away colleges. The colleges that give you "super secret extra special access codes" in their letters and tell you to go onto their school's website to claim "super secret extra special exclusive prizes" for free. It just makes you wonder- how bad must these colleges suck in order to feel the need to bribe their potential students with free gifts? How desperate do you really have to be to try to lure students in with tacky lanyards and keychains bearing your failing university's logo? Answer: More desperate than a divorced forty year mother trying to squeeze into her daughter's skinny jeans for a night at the bar. Give it up mom. Give it up colleges.

Really, what are these colleges trying to achieve anyway? I understand that one letter from a certain university can serve to inform high school students who are looking for colleges about the different options out there. A second letter is annoying, but still an acceptable follow up. Like that really weird guy you went on a blind date with who's phone call you guiltily ignored the day after. But really, there is absolutely no need to further promote global warming and send any more than just a couple of letters. One of the most irritatingly ironic things I've encountered are the colleges that boast about being environmentally friendly and having a green campus… all on four sheets of paper in an envelope the size of Russia. Like do you know what you're saying? Such humorous contradictions. 

If colleges really want students to come to their universities there are more affective methods to lure kids in. Mail restaurant coupons instead of letters. Give out free Tiffany's bracelets instead of free keychains. Basically just ask me for promotional help. I got your backs. 

WordCount: 453

One Fish Two Fish

      What has four legs, green scales, and a tendency to bark loudly at strangers? The pet store. The most adorable, indecisive place on the entire planet. Entering the pet store is a strange and unusual punishment for all animal lovers- once you go in, there's little to no chance you'll be able to come out entirely satisfied with your life and/or the amount of pets you currently own. You know you want that adorable golden retriever puppy with the huge chocolate colored eyes. And you feel like absolute shit because you're shamelessly hating on that adorable gap-toothed messy toddler in overalls for taking the last gerbil just seconds before you came over. Basically there's no way you can leave a pet store happy.

  God bless your poor soul if you actually came into the store knowing exactly what species of dog/cat/bird/hamster/fish you wanted. Because dammit, that's probably not going to be the only animal you buy. It's not too hard at first. You walk into the store, strutting a little bit, feeling like the goddamn king of the entire fucking world because you're buying a goldfish. Hell yeah. But the trouble starts as soon as that first fish you were going to buy gets put into those little plastic bags they give you to take the fish home. And you're standing there with your lonely fish just staring at the rest of the little amphibious creatures in their tanks wondering why you can't buy just one more. One fish, two fish. Red fish, blue fish. And pretty soon you're standing there with 200 fishy bags in your hands and not a clue about what just happened.

  But darling, it doesn't stop there. The pet store salespeople are sneaky little bastards. "Why not buy a bigger fish tank?" they ask. "I really think you're going to want a new state-of-the-art filter" they'll suggest. And you, being the clueless moron that you are, are going to just step right into their trippy little traps. It won't be until much later, when you're sitting at home surrounded by your two hundred fish, that you'll realize that you really didn't need that state-of-the-art filter at all. Or any filter really. And a few minutes later you're going to realize just how much money you really spent in that godforsaken pet store. This is usually the part where you'll start checking all the couches in your house for spare change to pay for your gas, electricity bills, and college tuition. In your miserly condition, you'll probably end up having your beloved fish for dinner sometime or another. Oops. 

WordCount: 434

Life Lessons From Fire

         I love fire. I understand that you're probably not supposed to say things like that in public places, or in any place really. Most people I've confessed this to usually end up backing away quickly and looking around for the nearest glass of water or an exit. Let me make this clear: I'm not a goddamn pyro. Honestly I'm not. I don't set wildfires for fun, and I don't have lighters and gasoline in my pockets, but there's something about the concept of fire that has always just really fascinated me. Some of the best life lessons I've learned have been from fire itself:

1. Everything about fire is so thrilling and fierce. It's an all or nothing action, either you have a flame or you don't. It's so simple but there's no "in-between". What if we all lived like that- if we did something meaningful in our lives, we'd do it wholeheartedly and with a full effort, or we wouldn't do the damn thing at all. The world would be a much happier and more satisfied place.
2. The way that fire spreads is so amazing. James Keller once said that "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle", and it's so true. Fire just keeps on giving and giving without really asking for anything in return. What if all of us were that selfless?
3. Fire makes s'mores. This one's pretty straightforward. Everyone should try and inspire the wonderful sticky deliciousness that is marshmallows, graham crackers, and melted chocolate. YUM. If you can be as sweet as a s'more you've learned a really valuable life lesson.
4. Fire has so much presence. It's so bright and gorgeous that there's no way it can possibly be ignored. A flame commands all of your attention and is definitely mesmerizing sometimes. Hell, you can lose yourself in it completely sometime. It completely captures your attention and forces you to give it some credit. I think every person should feel this way about themselves, and know that they mean something.
5. One of the most beautiful contradictions of fire is what it stands for. A fire can very obviously be dangerous force and can destroy even the most stable of structures. But fire is also what helps us live, by giving us the heat and comfort we need to survive. Without it we'd probably still be riding wooly mammoths in the Ice Ages.
6. Fires make sparks. A fire is always moving and crackling and changing and almost just constantly laughing. If everyone in the world was as active and happy and transformational as a fire, we would get so much more done in life, and be all the more cheerful for doing it. 

WordCount: 446

A Guinness Idea

          As much as I love the color green and watching drunk people stumble over their blurry feet into their own vomit, I never really believed in the concept of St. Patrick's Day. Being the popular, well-connected, social butterfly that I am, I obviously have hoes in different area codes. Including Irish friends. And guess what? They don't even celebrate St. Patrick's Day. It actually has barely anything to do with the Irish culture at all. Yes, technically it's an established Christian holiday, but really it's an established American drinking day.

          Somewhere along the way, we Americans decided that, just like everything else, we were going to promote our beer laden culture even further, and ruin a perfectly normal day in the middle of March to promote alcohol. As if beer needed any further promoting, what a genus idea. Or actually, what a Guinness idea (bad pun). We effectively ruined any and all progress made by the poor defeated beings who try to run Alcoholics Anonymous, and skyrocketed the salaries of the lucky bastards who work for Bud Light. Now, thanks to St. Patrick's Day, we have to be extra careful when driving on the streets all day on the seventeenth. And god forbid if the day after is a working day- it's guaranteed most employees will have suddenly come down with a severe case of (insert illness here) and will be taking a sick day off work. 

          Not only is this fake holiday detrimental to society and it's employment, but it also promotes some very unfair stereotypes. Because of the media, myths about four leaf clovers, and Lucky Charms cereal, we now think that all Irish men are three-foot-tall red-headed leprechauns who live in black pots at the end of rainbows and pinch you in the ass if you're not wearing any green. Now maybe I'm wrong (it doesn't happen very often), but I'm fairly certain that not all of this is true of the Irish- in fact, I'm fairly certain I've seen some of them living in red pots. Purple ones too. Uh huh.

          But in all seriousness, it's unfair to support that kind of image about any group of people. How would you like it if people thought of you as a midget who's only job was to throw out gold coins and spread drunken cheer, all while using a thick Irish accent? Not very much, I'm guessing. Except for the accent part because that's very attractive for the ladies. 

WordCount: 412

Ronald McDonald's Lap

            Do you know where your food comes from? While you’re sipping your preppy little no-whip soy latte, and munching on “organic” whole-grain muffins, take a second to consider what you’re really consuming. Behind the standardized shelves of your local Wal-Mart, what really makes up the basis of the stuff you put into your mouth on a daily basis?

            We all know about the alarming obesity epidemic in the United States. About how kids and teens are turning into fat tubs of lard, and how there are more children with diabetes today than there are selfies of white girls making duck faces on Instagram. The main cause for this overwhelming rise in the obesity of our youth is none other than the fast food industries, which have taken over every damn nook and cranny of our previously untarnished society, and completely exploited the food industry. Nowadays you can’t even walk a block in the average neighborhood without seeing the blazing neon lights of your local McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Arby’s or Pizza Hut beckoning you to come on in and sample its newest burger, sub, or pizza topping- at a cost of 800 calories and multiple coronary blockages of course.

            In our hectic 21st century lives, we rarely stop to think about what goes into these seemingly delicious but health-detrimental foods. Surprise: it's most likely not the "farm fresh ingredients" advertised on the gigantic full color billboards. I'm definitely not an expert on the subject (thank god, what an awful and terrifying profession that would be), but what scares me the most is that there could literally be anything in the fast food that we eat and we wouldn't know it. Anything. And we wouldn't have a fucking clue! How are we supposed to know if there's roadkill in our take-out chili or silly putty in our cheese-stuffed crust? We don't know. We'll never know. And for some reason we're more than willing to take a backseat and greedily devour hamburgers by the ton. 

            But really it isn’t all that surprising that so many people today turn to these high-carb, high-fat, high-calorie, high-everything foods for their main source of nutrition. It seems so much cheaper to purchase a burger off the dollar menu than it is does to buy just a few apples of oranges for the same price. But this is the exact mentality that aids in the transformation of an overweight society. Realistically, it really isn't that difficult to eat healthful foods on a budget. Substitute a salad for fries, lay off the pie for the night, and give up your one-liter-coke-per-day habits for god's sake. "Fast food" should realistically be better known as "slow food", seeing the effect that it's having on the ability of our population to get off of Ronald McDonald's lap and attempt to actually be fast. 

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