The Classiest Sassiest Woman

My all-time favorite woman in history is Marilyn Monroe. Mar is totally my home girl. I can feel you all judging me in cyberspace. You’re all thinking “She had all the women in history to choose from and she picked a sex icon?!” Yes. Yes I did. I picked Marilyn because she was a role model and leader for millions of women across the world. She was made out to be the sex symbol of her time, but she really stood for so much more than just that.

Most importantly, Mar taught women that it was okay to be themselves. She wore a size 14 and totally rocked that shit. You’re surprised. I know you are. You’re amazed because a size 14 is considered morbidly obese in today’s society. And a size 14 has always, and will probably continue to be, considered obese. But Marilyn Monroe was the exception to the rule. She expressed to women that it was completely okay to be curvaceous and to have a figure, and furthermore, that women should flaunt their curves. It was this very self-confidence in her body, as well as her body itself, that brought Marilyn to fame.

Being the first Playboy was probably Marilyn’s biggest achievement. But her cover shoot was nothing like today’s issues. Partially covered in black silk, Marilyn once again presented herself in full elegance, while still being the epitome of absolute sexiness. She posed the perfect balance of sophistication and playfulness, setting the standard high for wannabe stars everywhere. Mar grew up in a series of foster homes, and quickly rose in the ranks to become a model, actress, and singer. How many people are gifted enough to be so talented in multiple fields, especially with so throughout little financial support? And not only was she a triple-threat, but also a revolutionary ideal.

Marilyn Monroe was the complete embodiment of feminism and the concept of being a woman. In an era where women were still considered subservient to men, Mar provided a whole new perspective. She was married and divorced three times, and had multiple affairs throughout her life. For the first time in the media, A woman was playing the men, as opposed to the other way around. How utterly fantastic is that?! It was something that was totally unheard of. The fact that women could be just as daring, bold, and sneaky as men was empowering for the female gender. Suddenly it was okay for girls to show some skin and be themselves. Women could do whatever they wanted, dammit.

If women have any confidence nowadays, it’s all thanks to the revolution that Marilyn started. Today’s women, while independent, could still learn a thing or two about chic from her. If you can think of another woman figure in history who has done so much for the self confidence of women everywhere, I’ll gladly give you credit and let her have the top woman spot in history. But you can’t. And so Marilyn Monroe is, and will forever be, the classiest, sassiest, woman in history.

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Cape Cod Water

In my AP Language and Composition class we recently watched the movie Miss Representation, a documentary about how today’s media sets up women for failure in business and politics by presenting them as weaker and less able than men. I really think that this is a very important movie that everyone should watch, especially for anyone out there who still thinks that women are inferior to women. The documentary is extremely informative, and while it provides plenty of facts and figures, some of them don’t seem altogether too realistic.

One statistic I was hesitant to accept from the film was that “About 25% of girls will experience teen dating violence [sometime in their lives]”. For me that figure seemed a little high, even though I know that teen dating violence is unfortunately a relatively common occurrence in today’s society. If you look at the situation objectively, it doesn’t really seem likely that 1 in 4 high school girls would be getting hurt by her boyfriend. This might be because I go to a high school where these things aren’t common, or because the specific group of friends I’m exposed to aren’t involved in abusive relationships. But this could also be a high statistic because of the simple fact that the data has been over-exaggerated and skewed.

After doing some research on the figures presented in Miss Representation, I found out more about the data collected on teen dating violence. The research for this statistic was done mainly by Jay G. Silverman, an author who has written about domestic violence and its influence on family life. Although he is obviously qualified  and has a degree in his research, there are many places where I think potential was evident for inflated data.

What I found was that there was a few surveys done by Silverman, the latest one completed by 2186 high-school girls in the Massachusetts area in 1999. First off, these records were outdated by 12 years when the documentary was premiered, and obviously a lot could have changed in that time (whether that be an increase or decrease in teen dating abuse cases). In addition, a sample of only two thousand students is not representative sample of the entire country. Not only is it a small number, but also all the girls participating in the study were from the same area, which could play a role in the findings. Maybe the girls in Massachusetts are just more attracted to the same douchebags who will end up being abusive. There might just be something in the Cape Cod water.

In all seriousness though, I think the term “dating violence” should really be defined here. Obviously hitting and punching is considered violence, but what about hugs that are too tight, or rougher make-out sessions? I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s all in the way that the survey questions are posed. Overall, while the results of the studies done on teen dating violence could be an accurate representation of American females, chances are high that they might be exaggerated to catch the attention of the viewers in documentaries and other reports.

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Home Alone 5

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Ginger Babies

You have the blondes, the strawberry blondes, the dirty blondes, the platinum blondes, and every once in a while, the brunettes.  But the real rarities are the gingers, with their beautiful fiery hair, frequently accompanied by a full face of freckles. Because carrot tops are so uncommon, they’re almost considered a different species of human. Unfortunately, everyone secretly wants to be a redhead and is terribly jealous of all carrot tops. To make generic hair colored people feel better about themselves, non-gingers try to make fun of gingers in an effort to lower ginger self-esteem as a collective.

There are all sorts of jokes about gingers: “Gingers don’t have souls”, “Gingers are all virgins”, “Gingers are vampires”, etc. But in reality, redheads lead extremely successful lives. The best example would obviously be the angel that is Ed Sheeran, but there are many other familiar names like Emma Stone, Ariel the mermaid, Rupert Grint, Lucille Ball (from I Love Lucy), Elton John, Shaun White, Sam Gray, pre-rehab Lindsey Lohan, and the gorgeous, if a little reckless, Prince Harry. To further prove my point, I would like to point out that many celebrities like Reba and Emma Stone even dye their hair red to try and gain some of the appeal that carrot tops naturally posses.

Artificially dyed red hair may or may gain you some charm, but naturally born gingers still have the upper hand. Anyone who’s ever seen a ginger baby knows that they are the single most precious things ever known to mankind. I’m not sure if it’s the Cheeto colored fluff on top of their soft egg-shaped heads or the faint freckles speckling their entire bodies but there’s something about ginger babies that just make you want to hold them forever and love all their red-headed perfection.

In all honesty, I think it’s cruel and unfair that the gene for having an orange-haired child is biologically recessive. The chances for having a ginger baby nowadays are so low that the ginger population of the world is noticeably decreasing. This is obviously one of the biggest problems we as humans have encountered since the ice ages. Personally, I think we should stop worrying about global warming and the fiscal cliff and instead focus on mating redheads and producing more and more ginger babies. If we don’t, we might have to see the day where the ginger population is completely wiped out. And you know that’s not good for the emotional wellbeing of all us generic hair-colored folks.

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2pac4life

Are you having a wonderful day? Does your life seem perfect for once? No worries! Don’t sweat it. Just follow the 12 easy steps below, and you can go right back to being your true, self-hating, insecure, self. Yes, you are all so very welcome.

1.   Stare at your reflection in a magnifying mirror- See those gigantic pores? Did you ever realize your lips were that disgustingly chapped?

2.   Shop at Abercrombie- The only sizes offered are small, extra-small, anorexic, bulimic, and malnourished. Good luck trying to fit your normal-sized body into their doll clothes.

3.   Watch old and new movies starring Jennifer Aniston- She. Doesn’t. Age. Hell, she just doesn’t get older! Think about how much worse you know you’re going to look when you’re her age.

4.   Try to remember your old AIM screen name- Were you PartyGurl101? IceMetalPunk? Maybe you were chunkymonkey33. Or even better, 2pac4life. Any way you went, there’s no possible way that you’re not absolutely embarrassed by your old usernames.

5.   Look through late childhood pictures of yourself- Nice soda-bottle glasses. They match your headgear and acne really nicely.

6.   Join a gym- 90% of the people who go to gyms really don’t have any reason to be there. They just want to show off their steroid-induced abs. Assholes. Nicely toned, tanned, beautiful assholes. How do you like your body now?

7.   Go watch American Idol- About half the contestants who make it to Hollywood are under the age of eighteen, and are more talented than you’ll ever be. Ever.

8.   Research the entry requirements for Ivy League schools- How about that 4.8 GPA? No? Okay then, maybe an SAT score of at least 2300? Still no? That’s okay, I hear the Dairy Queen is hiring…

9.   Ask your extended family why they think you aren’t in a relationship, paying special attention to what your aunts say- This one’s pretty self-explanatory.

10. Think about the fact that you had more friends when you were in the 4^th grade than you do now- Kind of awkward isn’t it? Most people become funnier and more interesting as they grow up. You apparently just aren’t one of those people.

11. Ask out the hottest person of the opposite gender you know- He or she is going to say no. Sorrynotsorry.

12. Stalk a twelve-year-old’s Instagram- She posts selfies and over-filtered pictures of her Starbucks and has 534932 likes on every photograph. You don’t even have that many likes total. Loser.

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