Airports are transition centers. People are vacationing, people are coming home, and people are moving… for some, maybe to never come back again. And among all these damn people laughing and crying and being all emotional are the actual fliers- the people who will really be boarding the airplane. Luckily, most of these characters are very sensible and dress suitably for their flight, however long it may be. Unfortunately, some individuals, either out of pure stupidity or because they truly don’t know any better, don’t have a clue about flight-appropriate apparel.
Luckily you have me, your go-to-guide for all things practical in life, to turn to in your time of desperate need. I have carefully and sensibly compiled a list of things to keep in mind when you are dressing for your upcoming air-trip:
1. NO HEELS: This includes pumps, sling backs, wedges, and stilettos. I italicized this and put it in all caps, so you should know I’m very serious. In all honesty, you would think this was pretty self-explanatory… why would you want to run down millions of flights of stairs with dozens of suitcases in a pair of shoes whose stability is entirely dependent on fucking centimeter-thick heels? Exactly. You wouldn’t. Please also keep in mind that your precious shoes are a serious threat to small children if you happen to slip and fall on the just-washed tiled airport floors and plant your pointy heel right on someone’s whiny little brat.
2. No playing dress up: Pre flight getting-ready-time is not the right occasion to break out all of your mother’s jewels. Please leave all of your chunky jewelry, metallic belts, and 278 body piercings at home, or else face the wrath of every poor soul who has to not-so-patiently wait behind you in the airport security line as your godforsaken bellybutton piercing sets off the bomb detector (true story- this has in fact happened before).
3. Dress warm: Slutty attire is not advised when you are 40,000 miles above the ground. I understand that you have low self esteem and that showing off your fake-amazing rack to the world gives your ego a boost, but I highly doubt that the special attention you receive from your captain/male flight attendants/the creepy old man snoring on your exposed shoulder is worth freezing your perfectly tanned ass off in the freezing climate among the clouds. To protect your dignity, as well as your toes from frostbite, it would be highly advised that you wear warm clothing when flying. Unless, of course, you like being drooled over by ancient smelly old men.
And now you are fully prepared to head off to your Florida beach house or European vacation! Yes, you’re welcome for the advice. No, I will not be signing autographs tonight… it’s against my modeling contract, Sorry.
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