Dear 13-year-old self,
Hey it’s
me, your older self. I thought I’d write you a nice little letter to give you
some rules about teenage life that I think would’ve helped me if I’d had it
when I was 13. Kay, so here goes.
First off,
congratulations on being a teenager! You must think you’re just the hottest
shit around. Rule #1: stop thinking that. Right now. Nothing is less cool than
someone who thinks they’re cool. Also, please get rid of all of your Aéropostale clothing
right now. Rule #2: Never, ever, wear anything Aéropostale ever again. Just
take a garbage bag, stuff the terrible clothing inside, and bury the whole damn
thing under a tree or something. Ugh.
Sorry, is
this too hard for you mini-me? Suck it up. Rule #3: Never, ever, try pretzel
M&Ms. They’re delicious and way too addicting, and are going to become your
weakness if you try them even once. We just don’t need the extra calories, you
know? So stay away from them, and we’ll be fine. Rule #4: Try to become
extremely interested in history. You’re going to have to take more history
classes in high school than you want, and if you don’t develop a liking to them
early, reading chapters of useless shit you don’t care about at all is going to
be mentally exhausting. Take it from someone who knows.
If you haven’t found out already mini-me, you
love burning candles. But you’re also not very smart about putting them out.
Rule #5: Blow out your candles when you leave the room. I know it sounds like
common sense, but common sense isn’t very common, and this is worth mentioning.
If you don’t follow this advice carefully, you’re going to end up with a lot of
messiness. And let me tell you, wax is really hard to get out of a carpet… not
that I have personal experience or anything.
I think I’m
supposed to throw something really meaningful in here about how boys are
assholes and not to do drugs or whatever. But I don’t want to insult your
intelligence, and I know you’re smart, mini-me. So that brings us to Rule #6:
It’s better to apologize than to ask permission. You have NO IDEA how many
things you’re going to be missing out on if you ask mom and dad before you do
them. Seriously, just take every opportunity, do what you can, and say sorry
later. And if you get caught or get in trouble, remember that it’s easier to
get dad on your side than mom, and there’s nothing dad likes more than peanut
butter cookies. Just a hint.
So have a
great life, mini-me, and don’t worry too much about the way you look. As soon
as your braces come off and you get contacts, you’re gonna be a knockout. I have
personal experience.
Love always,
Your 16-year-old self
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Ahaha this made me laugh so hard! It's so true! Really good job writing this.
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