It’s the most wonderful time of the
year. The time when the sound of carols fill the air and the frosty air smells
like evergreens and too-sweet hot cocoa. The time when stores are packed with frugal
parents trying to find the perfect discounted gifts for their ungrateful little
twerps, and desperate girls run around holding mistletoe above their heads,
puckering up their chapped lips at any poor soul who happens to pass by. The
most wonderful, beautiful, time of the year when everyone is merry and bright,
and people magically start to remember what the Salvation Army is again. Its Christmas
time again, dammit.
It’s always
so interesting to see the pre-Christmas madness that always ends up happening
starting in December. Suddenly, Goodwill becomes the new clothing hot-spot,
specializing in the ugliest of the ugly Christmas sweaters. Personally, I never
understood this tradition- ugly sweaters around Christmastime? Why? The Virgin
Mary never wore any goddamn ugly sweaters. The three wise men never wore ugly
sweaters. Nobody involved with the birth of baby Jesus wore ugly sweaters! It’s
simply a tradition that us Americans made up, just for the hell of it. On the
bright side, all of the ugly sweater-wearing probably makes hobos and elderly
grandparents feel like they fit in for once. All in the spirit of Christmas, of
course.
Another
Christmas tradition I’ve never really comprehended is mistletoe. Obviously
being kissed under mistletoe is adorable and romantic and cute and blah blah
blah. But when you think about it, what does it have to do with Christmas?
Absolutely nothing. No fucking thing. And why mistletoe? Why not poison ivy?
It’s pretty much the same thing, they’re both plants. Besides, kissing under
poison ivy would be more effective and have greater symbolism anyway. “You see
kids? Kissing might be fun, but the after-effects are itchy. And painful. Love
is painful.”
The next
Christmas belief on my “Things I Don’t Understand List” is elves. Little
people. With pointy ears. Making toys for an old, fat, man in a red suit. I don’t
really know what to say about that… Just why? But really. Why. I’m sorry, I
sound Grinch-y. I don’t mean to be a Grinch, really. I just feel like some
Christmas related activities are extremely hyped-up. And by hyped-up I mean
overrated. And by overrated I mean
nobody-really-cares-about-your-Juicy-Couture-Christmas-morning-pajamas. Or the
fact that you got every single damn thing on your mile-long Christmas list. In
fact, you and your pajamas and million dollars worth of presents can all just
leave and go somewhere cold and depressing. Maybe you should go find out if
elves are real. Or something.
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