You Probably Drive A Minivan

The jeans a person wears can say a lot about his or her personality. Being a basic staple of everyone’s wardrobe, people alter their jeans to fit their lifestyles and personal style choices. What do your jeans say about you?

1. Flare jeans- if you wear flared jeans, chances are high that you have extreme hippie-like tendencies. You should probably take a few minutes to just reevaluate the decisions you’ve made in your life, and maybe make some changes. Go take a shower and buy a cell phone. Put down your blunt and get a goddamn job. Welcome to the 21^st century darling.
2. Destroyed jeans- the name of these jeans itself provides an extremely negative image of a roadside hobo with only the jeans on his ass and a cardboard box to his name. These jeans are not to be worn in public, unless there’s a kickass story that goes with them and you want to brag a little. For example, if you were in a major shark attack while wearing your jeans and the shark shredded the denim into 40 different pieces, you are fully entitled to strut your threadbare jeans down the street and tell your amazing story to anyone who passes by.
3. Straight jeans- you’re a 40-something mother. You probably drive a minivan. You wear sneakers. Your best years are behind you. Sorry not sorry.
4. Embellished jeans- if your jeans have studs or sequins covering the ass region, you’re most likely no older then 13. Hopefully you’re a female, but hey, no judging. Because you spend all day in your training bra on your iPhone with your other middle school friends, you probably think you’re hot shit. Every time you sit down the gems on the butt of your jeans leave painful little imprints on your butt, but you’re, like, the most, like, popular girl in school so you just suck it up and wave to all your tween fans.
5. Low-rise jeans- you’re either a desperate hoe looking for attention or you have a naughty tramp stamp you want to show off. Everyone can see your bright pink thong, but we’re all so thankful that you’re even wearing underwear that we don’t say anything about it. Also you should probably know that old men fight over who gets to stand behind you on the bus…
6. High-waist jeans- ugh you’re probably trying to be a hipster. Nobody likes a try-hard hipster. And if you’re trying to be a hipster, you’re not a hipster at all. A good hipster doesn’t admit to being a hipster because hipsterism itself is too mainstream. It’s mindfuck. The main point is: stop trying to be a hipster and go buy some normal jeans because everyone knows that deep down inside you’re just the regular boring you.

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