Fish-Eyes

Pets are a cause for trauma. Coming from a family that has never, and probably will never, have any furry four-legged friends, I can safely say that if you have a pet, I have an unlimited of respect for you. I’ve never understood how people can be brave and daring enough to assume the total responsibility for another living being. On the multiple occasions when my sisters and I have won or brought home a fish, it has always had a shelf life of less than two weeks. I never understood why, since we’ve always fed it properly. And not just any food- we gave it the best steak money could buy.

I’m totally kidding. We gave it fish food, and cleaned its tank and everything. And they still died in a matter of days. One of my friends had mentioned that they had probably died due to “lack of attention”. Dafuq? Am I supposed to cuddle with my fish or something? Should I grab my snorkeling mask and jump into the fish tank for a nice little visit? Take it for a walk around the block? Call me a crazy catfish, but personally I don’t feel that having an emotionally attached relationship with your marine life is a healthy thing. Also, I don’t think my fish ever like me.

 For example, every time I come out to look at them, my fish always go hide in their toy tank castle. It’s like they hate me! Bitches, I brought you into this house and gave you a nice and spacious tank! I spent money on those purple pebbles, and I (mostly) remember to feed you. Would you have that kind of life if you were still living the ocean/ pet store? Uh, no. You should be fucking grateful that I’m your owner. So maybe I accidentally let your cousin Goldie slip down the sink disposal. And maybe I like to torture you by tapping on your bowl. And maybe I did put a mirror next to your tank to laugh while you aggressively blew fishy-bubbles at your own reflection. But geez, give me a break! I’m sorry, okay? Stop judging me with those big fish-eyes!

But I guess I don’t really feel like fish qualify for being a pet anyways. You can’t do anything with them. They won’t fetch sticks for you, you can’t cuddle with them, they’re no good for keeping away intruders, and sometimes little four-year-olds you’re babysitting might reach in and try to eat them (true story). Basically having a fish is no better than having a rubber duck. Actually, its worse- at least the rubber duck makes a sound when you squeeze it. Fish don’t do anything if you squeeze them. I would know.  

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