Leave The Leaves Campaign 2012

Fall means thick sweaters, leaves, and pumpkin spice lattes. Fall means bonfires, leaves, and jack-lanterns. Fall means haunted houses, leaves, jack-o-lanterns, leaves, leaves, LEAVES. Leaves are everywhere. They fall all over our yards and litter our streets. They sneakily creep down from trees and end up in our hair, our clothes, and in the textbooks we accidentally drop when in a hurry to get to first hour. The issue is not that these leaves find their way into every goddamn corner too small to fit a Hoover into. The issue with fall leaves is that once upon a time, someone decided that was an issue to just let them land where they fell.

One fall day, many years ago, Adam and Eve’s grandchildren spontaneously decided that something had to be done about the supposed “mess” associated with this changing of seasons. Everyone knows that the devil made Eve eat the apple off the tree of evil. But what they don’t teach you in Sunday school is that the very same devil also created another evil in the form of a large pronged contraption, and urged the very first people of the world to use it to clear up autumn leaves. And thus was born the dreaded concept of raking.

Ever since that day, it has become socially unacceptable to have an un-raked yard. Why?! Why is it such a big deal to just let these leaves lay where they fall? If you look at it literally (and you should), we are annually being given a free carpet to enjoy for a month or so. A crunchy, colorful, nice-smelling autumn carpet! But, like all humans, we are idiotic, and have decided to ignore the fact that we are being given something good, and instead insist on removing all traces of this carpet, only to reveal the disgusting, brittle, dead brown grass underneath. God is probably sitting upstairs, laughing his ass off about how stupid we all are down.

This beautiful season is called “fall” for a reason. Leaves are falling. Let them fall! I say we all rebel against the common norms, and leave our leaves alone this year. I hereby mark this moment as the beginning of the Leave The Leaves Campaign 2012, headed by yours truly. All members are invited to attend an introductory bonfire later this month, and are also encouraged to bring a new or used rake to toss into the fire. In addition, we will be putting up posters all over town, advertising the anti-raking policies we stand for. Spread the word- we are against raking! We want to leave the leaves alone! Forget what the neighbors might think. This is a rebellion against the expectations our community has imposed upon us. Fuck society.

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