Hello Partiers,
This is
your liver calling. I know you’ve all been hearing from me a lot lately, and I
understand that I can get a little annoying sometimes- after all, all you ever
seem to want to do is party all the fucking time. However, I just wanted to
send out a friendly reminder that your life expectancy is around 85 years, and
most people like to remember that time clearly instead of walking around in an
alcohol-induced haze.
I don’t
want to be that complaining bitch that everyone hates, but I just feel like
I’ve been very overworked lately. It would be great if you could give me a
break every now and then, and lay off the Miller Lite. I’ve pretty much
forgotten what other fluids taste like. In addition, if it’s not asking too
much, I would also appreciate it if you could maybe find ways to deal with your
hangover that don’t involve the consumption of more goddamn alcohol. I’m more
than a little tired of worrying that you’re about to kick the bucket every time
you start kneeling in front of the porcelain toilet bowl gods.
I’m know
I’m just a slab of tissue and muscle, but even I know that puking your guts out
on a nightly basis probably isn’t good for your overall health and/or safety.
As far as social status goes, I’m also not certain that your so-called
“friends” are still going like you after they find out that you made out with
every single one of their boyfriends that night you had too much Jack. You can
blame it one the booze honey, but you still have to face the consequences.
While we’re
on the topic of consequences, I would also like to inquire about the toll that
your vodka addition is taking on your grades- not to mention your wallet. You
might be pretty enough now to have boys buying you drinks and nerds doing your
homework, but what are you going to do when the scotch starts doing it’s job
and you start looking like a worn-out, homeless, cat lady? It might be nice to
have a back up plan. Just something to consider.
Don’t worry
too much about your life or anything. If all else fails, I hear that Dairy
Queen is in desperate need of employees. Or, if you’re into the whole concept
of irony, you could always become the spokesperson for the fight against teen
drinking. You have tons of personal experience.
Sincerely,
You Most Important
Organ
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