Touring The World In A Hot Air Balloon

Hair is such a weird and awkward thing. Scientifically, it is “any of the numerous fine, usually cylindrical, keratinous filaments growing from the skin of humans and animals” (Dictionary.com). I don’t completely understand what that means, but I like to pretend I’m an intellectual, so there you go. Anyways, the strange thing about hair is that the part that we can see protruding from our heads is dead. It’s all dead! Only the actual root of the hair is “alive” and growing. We (mostly only girls, but I’m trying to maintain political correctness and not be exclusive) spend hours and hours using heat and other methods to flatten, curl, and toss around this appendage of our body that is, technically, nothing better or more alive than stringy pieces of yarn.

I consider myself an average girl. What’s that? I’m prettier, more popular, and smarter than the typical girl? Oh stop it you, I’m blushing. Okay, okay, so I guess you could say I’m above average. But in terms of the time I spend spent on getting ready in the mornings, I’m pretty average. Usually I spend about half an hour in the mornings trying to get my frizzy locks to look semi-presentable. So if we do 30 minutes a day, six days a week (since nobody makes an effort on Mondays), that’s three hours a week. There are 52 weeks in the year, so I spend an annual average of approximately 156 hours just on my hair. 156 hours. And this is just the raw estimate, not including formal occasions, my frequent modeling sessions, and celebrity talk-show appearances. So rounding up, about 200 hours a year, for 80 years (the average lifetime in the United States), is 16,000 hours.

When I am at death's door, most likely due to assassination (all the attractive girls of the world die due to homicide by a jealous not-so-pretty girl), I will have wasted 16,000 hours of my life just on doing my hair. That’s equivalent to 667 days, or a little less than 2 years. Almost two years of my life will have been spent on something as menial as doing my hair. That’s two years that I could spend touring the world in a hot air balloon. Or curing cancer. Or feeding starving children in Africa. Or writing a How To Be As Pretty As Me self-help book. 

Basically, I have come to realize that I have crazy good math skills. I have also come to realize that doing my hair is a total and complete waste of time. From now onwards, I have pledged to shave my head, use the hair to make a wig, and then wear that wig regularly, instead of wasting time doing my hair. I just want to let you all know- I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for you. Because of me, you will someday be able to read all about my beauty secrets and not have to worry about hungry children in third world countries. You’re welcome.

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