Grease Has Like A Million Calories

Dear couple that makes out next to my locker,

            First off, I would like to offer a friendly hello! Now that that formality is out of the way, I would like to propose some equally friendly suggestions. To begin with, I just want to let you know that I understand how you are in deep, true, forever-lasting love. Really, I do understand. But with that said, I am also a tad bit concerned about your well-being. One of these days while you’re sucking face, one of you is going to swallow the other one whole. Now think about what a huge problem this will be. First off, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, both of you have extremely greasy hair. So when ingesting your partner whole, one you will be consuming a good cup or two of grease. And like grease has like a million calories. And like carbs. Like gross! 

            If this doesn’t scare you, maybe you should pause a second during one of your passionate rounds of tonsil tennis to observe your surroundings. If you did, you would realize that you are both the main subjects of one of my almost-famous social experiments. Congratulations! It’s a spin-off of the well known “How Many Licks Does it Take to get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop” experiment. But mine is called “How Many Shoves does it take to stop the Smooching Next to My Locker”. Thanks to me, you’re both going to be incredibly famous someday.

Ever since school has started, I have been testing how long it takes you to respond to a stimulus while you’re engaged in your hormonal activities. Translation: every day I “accidentally” drop my heaviest textbook on your toes in the hallway and shove you to see how many shoves it takes to stop your snogging session*. Your best score to date is 12 shoves**. I’m hoping that with enough dropping textbooks this score will be lowered to a maximum of 8 shoves. I’m also hoping that one of you will eventually have to get a toe amputated or something. Serves you right.

            I’m very sorry. Our newly established friendship is already taking a turn for the worse. But I feel like once I’ve seen you stick your double-pierced tongue down someone else’s equally disgusting throat I don’t have the same respect for you that I potentially could have. And those beached-whale sounds you make during your passionate interactions are absolutely repulsive. I would rather listen to my grandpa yodel. He’s tone deaf. And wears a hearing aid.

Sincerely,

A very worried and exceptionally disgusted fellow student

* I am not liable for any injuries, hospital visits, or hurt feelings

** This data is based on estimated averages only

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