Good Luck, Ketchup-Kids

Mothering is no joke- take it from someone who babysits little devils on a regular basis. If you are planning on mothering a child (or, god forbid, multiple children), you better know how to do the damn thing. There are seriously days that I’ll go to the grocery store and see frosted-hair mothers in tight fitted Juicy Couture sweatpants yakking away on their cellular devices about their latest manicure/pedicure/shoe-shopping-trip, completely oblivious to their rowdy kids as they happily knock down soup-can towers and paint masterpieces on themselves with ketchup. The worst part is that the store clerks, who sometimes try to jump in and handle the situation, can never quite get control. Before they can even say “Excuse me, miss” momzilla has already whipped out her freshly sharpened claws and is preparing for attack.

One of the most irritating things is seeing the moms who yank their kids around on a leash. I don’t mean that figuratively. There are, quite literally, children who wear backpacks with a leash attached to the back. Their freshly-manicured mothers then hold on to the leash and drag their screaming children around wherever they please. The whole situation can all get very messy if the aforementioned ketchup body-paint hasn’t been cleaned up by this time. These mothers most likely also have electric chips inserted into their children’s heads that shock them every time they try to leave the house. The poor children probably get fried every time they accidentally walk into an electric fence (which most likely happens a lot, seeing as dogs do it unintentionally all the time, and little kids are much dumber than canines).

To be fair, I will give these mothers the benefit of doubt. I don’t know their lives. I don’t know what they’ve been through. Maybe they’re suffering from childhood angst. Maybe daddy never bought these mothers the puppies they wanted when they were younger. While this seems like a logical explanation for dragging around the fruit of your womb on a backpack-attached tether, I feel that someone should probably buy these troubled mothers a pet or something, so that they don’t have to treat their children like animals. Which leads to other questions- do these children eat out of doggy bowls? Do they lap up water from the toilet? The whole situation is a little confusing, and more than a little disturbing.

In the end, the mother you've been given is the one you have to deal with. There’s really not much you can do about being stuck with a momzilla, except for running away from home. And in the end, running away will most likely result in a complete electrocution, brought on by the deathly combination of an implanted electric chip and your neighbor’s invisible dog fence. My advice would be to just keep away from the razor-nails and buy your mom a yorkie. Good luck, ketchup-kids. 

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