Disney vs. Reality

Whether you were a wanna-be princess, president of the I Love Cinderella Club, or Sleeping Beauty’s biggest fan, we all religiously watched Disney princess movies growing up. With that said, I truly believe that Disney has psychologically screwed me over, scarred me for life, and broken my heart multiple times.

To begin with, I’m going to share with you what I had to learn the hard way: Prince Charming does not ride a snow white steed. He doesn’t sing songs to you, and won’t come to your rescue if you’re stupid enough to accept un-packaged food from a sketchy old lady in a torn black cloak. He also is not going to come around with your sweaty shoe on a velvet pillow to see if it fits your equally sweaty foot. Sorry to crush your fairytale dreams, but Prince Charming doesn’t exist. At this very moment, your potential soul mate is most likely in school, wondering what’s for lunch, eating lunch, or thinking about lunch tomorrow. Guys are just blissfully simple like that.

The whole “Prince Charming is fake” thing is definitely a let-down, but not nearly as crushing as the whole “princess beauty” issue. Some people claim Disney movies gave them unrealistic expectations about love. Fuck that, Disney gave me unrealistic expectations about life in general! When little girls grow up watching princess Jasmine sneaking up on the roof to seduce Aladdin in a skimpy belly shirt with hair as thick around as a large coffee cup, it makes an impact.

Somewhere in that little-girl brain a message is being seeded, telling the girl that it’s okay to be a whore! It’s okay to hang around and wait to get “rescued” by that cute prince who lives next door! It’s okay to dance around and sing to birds- nobody will judge you! So not true. How can we expect to create hard-working members of society out of these airheads, when all they seem able to do is their hair?

Luckily, I am to the rescue. There is a very clear solution to this issue: all we have to do is promote the addition of more realistic scenes into the classic Disney movies. Wouldn’t it be great if the beast ate Belle instead of turning into a prince and marrying her? It would teach kids a valuable lesson: don’t enter the home of complete strangers, especially when they are big, hairy, and live with talking teapots. Instead of waking up Snow White with a kiss, the prince should start talking about the gas prices nowadays. That should shock the little bitch awake. And instead of giving Ariel a pair of legs, Ursula should have given her flood insurance. She does live under the sea, after all.

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