Resolutions: Version 2013

Happy 2013 everyone! It’s a new year, a new start, a new you. But not really. In reality, it’s just another day in your boring life. And yeah, you might wake up a little later than usual, and you’ll probably be a lot more hung-over than most days, but really that’s the extent of the difference between December 31^st and January 1^st. Unless you got a sex change before the year ended, shed a layer of skin, or are going through some kind of an identity crisis, you’re still the same uninteresting you. So please, remember that it’s just the ending of another year of your existence. It’s an excuse to party, dance, take shots, and kiss attractive strangers but you yourself are the same exact person you were before the clock struck midnight. Don’t kid yourself with all of your damn resolutions.

If you look at the whole “new year’s resolution” situation, it really doesn’t even make much that much sense. Every woman in the western hemisphere is feeling beyond guilty about all her holiday weight gain, and is freaking out about bikini season, which is like, only like, six months away, ohmygawd. So obviously when all these women wake up on January 1^st thinking they’re Pillsbury dough boys, they head straight to the YMCA to renew their year-old gym memberships and sign up for the next available water aerobics class.

For the rest of January, these women will continue to live on diet water and fat-free oxygen. God forbid if they so much as look at anything that contains carbs. But there’s obviously a breaking point for everything, and pretty soon these food-deprived ghosts will pass by a KFC on their way home from work and will break down on their no-food diet to grab multiple buckets of 20-piece greasy fried chicken, and eat every single last wing. Poof! There go all great plans to be a human skeleton. Sorry not sorry.

Some resolutions, however, actually make sense. For example, if you’re an HIV infected meth addict, it might be a good idea to resolve to stop doing drugs. If you’re a complete loser who stays home on Saturday nights and plays Dragonville instead of attempting to be social, you need to give your technology a break and share the love with some more, uh, human companions. In the long run, Dragonville will not help you develop your social skills. Or help you through your problems. Or be there when you need someone to cry too. Okay maybe it’ll help with the last one, but still. That’s not a quality friendship.

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