2pac4life

Are you having a wonderful day? Does your life seem perfect for once? No worries! Don’t sweat it. Just follow the 12 easy steps below, and you can go right back to being your true, self-hating, insecure, self. Yes, you are all so very welcome.

1.   Stare at your reflection in a magnifying mirror- See those gigantic pores? Did you ever realize your lips were that disgustingly chapped?

2.   Shop at Abercrombie- The only sizes offered are small, extra-small, anorexic, bulimic, and malnourished. Good luck trying to fit your normal-sized body into their doll clothes.

3.   Watch old and new movies starring Jennifer Aniston- She. Doesn’t. Age. Hell, she just doesn’t get older! Think about how much worse you know you’re going to look when you’re her age.

4.   Try to remember your old AIM screen name- Were you PartyGurl101? IceMetalPunk? Maybe you were chunkymonkey33. Or even better, 2pac4life. Any way you went, there’s no possible way that you’re not absolutely embarrassed by your old usernames.

5.   Look through late childhood pictures of yourself- Nice soda-bottle glasses. They match your headgear and acne really nicely.

6.   Join a gym- 90% of the people who go to gyms really don’t have any reason to be there. They just want to show off their steroid-induced abs. Assholes. Nicely toned, tanned, beautiful assholes. How do you like your body now?

7.   Go watch American Idol- About half the contestants who make it to Hollywood are under the age of eighteen, and are more talented than you’ll ever be. Ever.

8.   Research the entry requirements for Ivy League schools- How about that 4.8 GPA? No? Okay then, maybe an SAT score of at least 2300? Still no? That’s okay, I hear the Dairy Queen is hiring…

9.   Ask your extended family why they think you aren’t in a relationship, paying special attention to what your aunts say- This one’s pretty self-explanatory.

10. Think about the fact that you had more friends when you were in the 4^th grade than you do now- Kind of awkward isn’t it? Most people become funnier and more interesting as they grow up. You apparently just aren’t one of those people.

11. Ask out the hottest person of the opposite gender you know- He or she is going to say no. Sorrynotsorry.

12. Stalk a twelve-year-old’s Instagram- She posts selfies and over-filtered pictures of her Starbucks and has 534932 likes on every photograph. You don’t even have that many likes total. Loser.

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