Ginger Babies

You have the blondes, the strawberry blondes, the dirty blondes, the platinum blondes, and every once in a while, the brunettes.  But the real rarities are the gingers, with their beautiful fiery hair, frequently accompanied by a full face of freckles. Because carrot tops are so uncommon, they’re almost considered a different species of human. Unfortunately, everyone secretly wants to be a redhead and is terribly jealous of all carrot tops. To make generic hair colored people feel better about themselves, non-gingers try to make fun of gingers in an effort to lower ginger self-esteem as a collective.

There are all sorts of jokes about gingers: “Gingers don’t have souls”, “Gingers are all virgins”, “Gingers are vampires”, etc. But in reality, redheads lead extremely successful lives. The best example would obviously be the angel that is Ed Sheeran, but there are many other familiar names like Emma Stone, Ariel the mermaid, Rupert Grint, Lucille Ball (from I Love Lucy), Elton John, Shaun White, Sam Gray, pre-rehab Lindsey Lohan, and the gorgeous, if a little reckless, Prince Harry. To further prove my point, I would like to point out that many celebrities like Reba and Emma Stone even dye their hair red to try and gain some of the appeal that carrot tops naturally posses.

Artificially dyed red hair may or may gain you some charm, but naturally born gingers still have the upper hand. Anyone who’s ever seen a ginger baby knows that they are the single most precious things ever known to mankind. I’m not sure if it’s the Cheeto colored fluff on top of their soft egg-shaped heads or the faint freckles speckling their entire bodies but there’s something about ginger babies that just make you want to hold them forever and love all their red-headed perfection.

In all honesty, I think it’s cruel and unfair that the gene for having an orange-haired child is biologically recessive. The chances for having a ginger baby nowadays are so low that the ginger population of the world is noticeably decreasing. This is obviously one of the biggest problems we as humans have encountered since the ice ages. Personally, I think we should stop worrying about global warming and the fiscal cliff and instead focus on mating redheads and producing more and more ginger babies. If we don’t, we might have to see the day where the ginger population is completely wiped out. And you know that’s not good for the emotional wellbeing of all us generic hair-colored folks.

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