Here’s the thing. All you boys out there think
you already know all there is to know about getting girls. For some reason
you're under the extremely unfortunate and terribly misguided impression that
you know everything about anything there is to know about how females think.
You apparently have all the damn answers about how to behave and what to do and
just the right things to say. Reality check: you couldn't possibly be more
wrong. Seriously. All you guys out there are just tripping over your own two
feet trying to get some, and you’re failing. Miserably. It’s almost comical,
really.
But don’t worry too much. Take a
deep breath. As funny as it is to see your failures, it’s getting kind of old
and repetitive. Being the wonderful, caring, beautiful, angelic, intelligent
girl that I am, I’ve taken it upon myself to give you the inside information on
what women really want in life. I’m your wing-woman. Yes, you’re so
welcome. Really, I’m blushing. The best way to really thank me is by
implementing all of my advice the next time you go for a girl.
To begin with,
keep in mind that all that women want in life is food. Spare us the romantic
starry-eyed poems and cutesy pick up line bullshit. We don’t want to hear songs
titled with our names or nod our heads while you spill your guts about how much
you adore us. Just feed us dammit! Preferably something chocolate and
high-carb. Give us food and candy, please and thank you.
Next, don’t be offended by the fact that we do, and always will, love our pets more than we love you. Sorry, but you’re not extremely soft and pet-able. You don’t wag your tail at us when we come home from a long and tiring day or purr when we rub you under your neck. Really you just don’t even have a chance against our four-legged friends. Just accept the fact that you’re always going to be second in line and move on with life.
The most important thing to know about women is that we never mean what we say. In fact, we usually mean the opposite of what we say. If we tell you to leave us alone, don’t actually leave, you moron. Come cuddle with us and tell us how beautiful we are. If we tell you that you don’t have to buy us that gorgeous necklace we saw at Kay Jewelers yesterday, you better go get it for us tomorrow. Actually, you should already have it with you. If we tell you it doesn’t matter at all that the slut from your math class walks with you in the hallway, you better get a goddamn restraining order. Good luck.
Next, don’t be offended by the fact that we do, and always will, love our pets more than we love you. Sorry, but you’re not extremely soft and pet-able. You don’t wag your tail at us when we come home from a long and tiring day or purr when we rub you under your neck. Really you just don’t even have a chance against our four-legged friends. Just accept the fact that you’re always going to be second in line and move on with life.
The most important thing to know about women is that we never mean what we say. In fact, we usually mean the opposite of what we say. If we tell you to leave us alone, don’t actually leave, you moron. Come cuddle with us and tell us how beautiful we are. If we tell you that you don’t have to buy us that gorgeous necklace we saw at Kay Jewelers yesterday, you better go get it for us tomorrow. Actually, you should already have it with you. If we tell you it doesn’t matter at all that the slut from your math class walks with you in the hallway, you better get a goddamn restraining order. Good luck.
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