Crimes Of Vanity

Can someone please explain to me what the problem is with being pale? It seems like all anyone ever does nowadays is go tanning. Alarm clock rings, get up and tan. Get off work, go and tan. Wake up at two in the morning because the dog’s barking? No problem. Throw him a bone and go tan. Do you wanna get something to eat later? No, sorry, I’m having UV rays for lunch.

I honestly just can’t seem to understand why society considers it so wrong to be light-skinned. Because honestly, it’s nothing but the current culture that gets us to make evaluations about what’s good and bad. Fuck society. In older times it used to be considered beautiful to have the whitest skin possible. Even Shakespeare used the term “fair” to describe a woman as beautiful. So what exactly happened? Along the way somewhere, being pale suddenly became just as undesirable as having warts. Or a third arm.

 But it’s not just women committing these crimes of vanity, it’s men too. All everyone wants to do these days is sizzle under the hot lights of a tanning bed. Now I’m not judging or anything, but this has to be the stupidest thing ever. Okay fine I’m totally judging. Why the hell would you want to expose yourself to so much bodily harm? Is it really worth it just to achieve a slightly darker complexion? You might as well just hold up a welcome sign and invite the skin cancer into your body for tea and crumpets.

Okay so yeah, your prom is coming up and you really don’t want every single vein in your arms to be so visible through your tissue-paper-thin translucent skin. Sure, go tanning. It’s your life, do what you want. At least this time you have an excuse for wanting to tan. Well a semi-excuse anyways. But what I find difficult to understand are the girls who claim that going tanning “feels good” and is “like so relaxing omg”. Seriously. You’re seriously going to lower your life expectancy just for 10 minutes of “relaxation”? Honey, I’m sure it is absolute heaven to have heat waves cover the entirety of your body for a fraction of an hour, but do realize that you’re subjecting yourself to many upcoming years of wrinkly skin and freckles to come.

If you choose to tackle your pale probs in a different manner, you might choose to opt for a nice little spray tan instead of fake baking. This would thus result in an overall splotchy skin tone resembling something similar to orange colored camouflage. Have fun making chocolate for Willy Wonka you complexion confused oompa loompa. 

WordCount: 446