Discounted Chocolate

Welcome to February everyone. The second month of the year is home to a plethora of holidays, including National Umbrella Day (10^th),  Do a Grouch a Favor Day (16^th), Championship Crab Races Day (17^th), International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day (23^rd), and my personal favorite, Public Sleeping Day (28^th). But unfortunately, February is very rarely, if ever, recognized for all of these glorious occasions and usually only known for Valentine’s Day.

The 14^th of February was basically a day created just for Hallmark. Technically we should all be probably be happy that the candy heart industry is getting so much business of once in the year, and providing jobs for so many confectioners. But in reality, very few people are actually happy on Valentine’s Day. Correction: very few women are actually happy on Valentine’s Day. The truth is, women are catty bitches. We all grew up watching our beloved Disney princesses being spun across dance floors and riding off into the sunset, so basically our expectations for the Prince Charming in our lives are higher than is realistic. It’s not our fault really, but it creates an impossibly high standard for men.

If you buy a girl roses on The Day of Love, she’ll be upset you didn’t do more. If you get her chocolate, she’ll wonder why you’re trying to make her fat. If you get her the limited edition, cushion-cut, rose gold, peach champagne sapphire ring she’s been wanting since forever, she’ll freak out because you’re doing so much for her and it’s “so soon” in the relationship. Basically you men out there just can’t win. I understand. All you really want is to make your woman happy, and hopefully get laid in the process. I get it, I really do. But unfortunately you’ll more often end up with your significant other in tears because all her little friends got better V-Day presents than she did.

The solution to this problem is simple. Don’t date. Be forever alone! It’s so much simpler this way, for both men and women. Think about all the advantages of being single on Valentine’s Day. First off, all the delicious candy will be on mega sale as soon as February 15^th rolls around. And everyone knows there is nothing better in life than discounted chocolate, especially when your single life allows you to consume as much sugar as you want without fear of your boyfriend leaving you for that skinny blonde slut who works with him. I guarantee that almost-free chocolate will make you feel better about life in general than a dope-headed man ever could.

And really, so what if February is ultimately going to be single awareness month? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. It’s cheaper, smarter, and you’re never left with dying roses sitting in stale water. Nobody really wants to ride off into sunsets with perfect princes anyways.

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