Discounted Chocolate

Welcome to February everyone. The second month of the year is home to a plethora of holidays, including National Umbrella Day (10^th),  Do a Grouch a Favor Day (16^th), Championship Crab Races Day (17^th), International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day (23^rd), and my personal favorite, Public Sleeping Day (28^th). But unfortunately, February is very rarely, if ever, recognized for all of these glorious occasions and usually only known for Valentine’s Day.

The 14^th of February was basically a day created just for Hallmark. Technically we should all be probably be happy that the candy heart industry is getting so much business of once in the year, and providing jobs for so many confectioners. But in reality, very few people are actually happy on Valentine’s Day. Correction: very few women are actually happy on Valentine’s Day. The truth is, women are catty bitches. We all grew up watching our beloved Disney princesses being spun across dance floors and riding off into the sunset, so basically our expectations for the Prince Charming in our lives are higher than is realistic. It’s not our fault really, but it creates an impossibly high standard for men.

If you buy a girl roses on The Day of Love, she’ll be upset you didn’t do more. If you get her chocolate, she’ll wonder why you’re trying to make her fat. If you get her the limited edition, cushion-cut, rose gold, peach champagne sapphire ring she’s been wanting since forever, she’ll freak out because you’re doing so much for her and it’s “so soon” in the relationship. Basically you men out there just can’t win. I understand. All you really want is to make your woman happy, and hopefully get laid in the process. I get it, I really do. But unfortunately you’ll more often end up with your significant other in tears because all her little friends got better V-Day presents than she did.

The solution to this problem is simple. Don’t date. Be forever alone! It’s so much simpler this way, for both men and women. Think about all the advantages of being single on Valentine’s Day. First off, all the delicious candy will be on mega sale as soon as February 15^th rolls around. And everyone knows there is nothing better in life than discounted chocolate, especially when your single life allows you to consume as much sugar as you want without fear of your boyfriend leaving you for that skinny blonde slut who works with him. I guarantee that almost-free chocolate will make you feel better about life in general than a dope-headed man ever could.

And really, so what if February is ultimately going to be single awareness month? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. It’s cheaper, smarter, and you’re never left with dying roses sitting in stale water. Nobody really wants to ride off into sunsets with perfect princes anyways.

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Crimes Of Vanity

Can someone please explain to me what the problem is with being pale? It seems like all anyone ever does nowadays is go tanning. Alarm clock rings, get up and tan. Get off work, go and tan. Wake up at two in the morning because the dog’s barking? No problem. Throw him a bone and go tan. Do you wanna get something to eat later? No, sorry, I’m having UV rays for lunch.

I honestly just can’t seem to understand why society considers it so wrong to be light-skinned. Because honestly, it’s nothing but the current culture that gets us to make evaluations about what’s good and bad. Fuck society. In older times it used to be considered beautiful to have the whitest skin possible. Even Shakespeare used the term “fair” to describe a woman as beautiful. So what exactly happened? Along the way somewhere, being pale suddenly became just as undesirable as having warts. Or a third arm.

 But it’s not just women committing these crimes of vanity, it’s men too. All everyone wants to do these days is sizzle under the hot lights of a tanning bed. Now I’m not judging or anything, but this has to be the stupidest thing ever. Okay fine I’m totally judging. Why the hell would you want to expose yourself to so much bodily harm? Is it really worth it just to achieve a slightly darker complexion? You might as well just hold up a welcome sign and invite the skin cancer into your body for tea and crumpets.

Okay so yeah, your prom is coming up and you really don’t want every single vein in your arms to be so visible through your tissue-paper-thin translucent skin. Sure, go tanning. It’s your life, do what you want. At least this time you have an excuse for wanting to tan. Well a semi-excuse anyways. But what I find difficult to understand are the girls who claim that going tanning “feels good” and is “like so relaxing omg”. Seriously. You’re seriously going to lower your life expectancy just for 10 minutes of “relaxation”? Honey, I’m sure it is absolute heaven to have heat waves cover the entirety of your body for a fraction of an hour, but do realize that you’re subjecting yourself to many upcoming years of wrinkly skin and freckles to come.

If you choose to tackle your pale probs in a different manner, you might choose to opt for a nice little spray tan instead of fake baking. This would thus result in an overall splotchy skin tone resembling something similar to orange colored camouflage. Have fun making chocolate for Willy Wonka you complexion confused oompa loompa. 

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Strange Emergency

One of the scariest things in life is driving on the road alongside beginning Driver’s Ed students.  I’m not sure what’s more terrifying: the fact that there are puny, squeaky-voiced little children unsuccessfully attempting to maneuver their vehicles less than 24 inches away your own, or the fact that their senile driving instructors are usually more concerned with catching a couple more minutes of shut-eye than keeping their croc-clad feet on the emergency brake. What’s more, the babies driving these cars, more often than not, can’t seem to tell the difference between a stop sign and an interstate exit, let alone stay on their side of the road.

But even with all its many faults, Driver’s Ed is sill a necessary part of society. We obviously have to drill some sense of education into the minds (and steering wheels) of young drivers before they can be let loose onto the asphalt streets of society. With that said, I truly believe that the Driving Education program should aim to teach children everything they really need to know about driving on our roads, which is something they haven’t really been doing recently. The basics just aren’t sufficient enough for the issues associated with driving for today’s adolescence- they should be prepared for any situation that comes their way. Sure, it’s clearly important to know that green means go and that cars can only go one way on a One Way street. But basic driving knowledge is easy to master with practice, and won’t get you anywhere if you don’t have additional knowledge about other aspects of the road.

Driver’s Ed teachers have all (hopefully) driven in the real world. They know how absolutely senseless most of the other drivers on the road are, and have all encountered their share of road trauma. But do they teach their students what to do in times of strange emergency? No. So what’s going to happen when a young driver gets flipped the bird by a stranger with road rage? Or trapped in a car with a rabid raccoon? What will the poor drivers do when they find themselves stuck inside a Volkswagen beetle straddling the Grand Canyon? They’re not going to have the slightest clue about how to proceed, dammit! Nobody ever prepared them for a situation like this. If only there was a course or some class they could attend to better their driving education… Oh wait there is. Or at least, there’s supposed to be.

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