College Mail

         If you're in high school or have ever been in high school, you've probably had to deal with college mail sometime in your life. Universities all over the country love wasting entire forests to brag about how (insert adjective here) and (insert synonym for "diverse" here) their school is, and how it's (insert sport here) team is one of the best in the nation. The most agitating part about the whole process is that each letter is personally addressed. They have this program that inserts each student's name into their letter multiple times, so it seems like a really personalized note or something. Bitch please. Students really aren't buying into all of that. Don't write to me like you know my name. You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know what I've been through. Just leave students and the dying forests of our Earth alone, dammit. 

One thing I've never understood are the give-away colleges. The colleges that give you "super secret extra special access codes" in their letters and tell you to go onto their school's website to claim "super secret extra special exclusive prizes" for free. It just makes you wonder- how bad must these colleges suck in order to feel the need to bribe their potential students with free gifts? How desperate do you really have to be to try to lure students in with tacky lanyards and keychains bearing your failing university's logo? Answer: More desperate than a divorced forty year mother trying to squeeze into her daughter's skinny jeans for a night at the bar. Give it up mom. Give it up colleges.

Really, what are these colleges trying to achieve anyway? I understand that one letter from a certain university can serve to inform high school students who are looking for colleges about the different options out there. A second letter is annoying, but still an acceptable follow up. Like that really weird guy you went on a blind date with who's phone call you guiltily ignored the day after. But really, there is absolutely no need to further promote global warming and send any more than just a couple of letters. One of the most irritatingly ironic things I've encountered are the colleges that boast about being environmentally friendly and having a green campus… all on four sheets of paper in an envelope the size of Russia. Like do you know what you're saying? Such humorous contradictions. 

If colleges really want students to come to their universities there are more affective methods to lure kids in. Mail restaurant coupons instead of letters. Give out free Tiffany's bracelets instead of free keychains. Basically just ask me for promotional help. I got your backs. 

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