I Love You A Latte

            The holiday season brings out the happiness and best in everyone, and reminds us to be extra thankful for the little things. With that in mind, I would like to give thanks for something that is very important to me in life, and that I probably wouldn’t be the same person without- Starbucks. 

            Coffee is one of those things that can either make or break your day. A quality cup of Joe in the morning (or anytime actually) can truly put you in a positive mindset and force you to be cheerful. Caffeine really is a miracle worker. And yeah, some people might argue that $4.01 for a skinny mocha with whip really is too much to be spending, but I guarantee it’s totally, completely, 100% worth it. Spending four dollars to preserve your sanity and be a generally better person is entirely reasonable. Look at it this way: Starbucks is pretty much like medication. Or drugs. But fortunately, you cant go to jail for consuming ungodly amounts of caramel syrup. So instead of spending big bucks trying to buy "legalized" pot from Colorado, spend your hard-earned drug money on a Starbucks frappe- they’re legal everywhere.

            I would also like to take the time to give a huge thank you to the very attractive male barista at my local Starbucks. Being extremely indecisive and never knowing what to order from the hundreds of choices, I usually just tell this saint of a man something along the lines of what I’m craving, and he orders for me. I’m happy to report that I have yet to be disappointed by his selections (probably because I’m too busy trying to memorize his face to really taste what I’m drinking). Either way, Barista-man, over the past six months that you have been serving me, I just want you to know that I really appreciate your input on my caffeine selections and have enjoyed the way our almost-nonexistent and mostly one-sided relationship has progressed. If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be sipping my boring caramel macchiatos and would never have known the sugary joys that I was missing out on. I also want to thank you for just being so goddamn beautiful every day I walk in, and looking so amazingly perfect in your coffee-stained green apron.

            If you have a nearby Starbucks and a hot barista in your life, you should probably thank your lucky stars and the coffee-gods above. And you should also maybe consider slipping the aforementioned barista your number. Thanks for everything, Starbucks. I love you a latte.

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Rinse And Repeat

            Life obviously isn’t perfect, things rarely ever are. But sometimes it’s the little things that get to us, and make us wonder why the world is so against us. Like what the fuck did I ever do to you, world, to make you hate me so much?!

            The case in point in this situation is washing your hair. In reality, hair washing is the most basic of processes. You just squirt, lather, rinse, and repeat. Any druggie pothead could do it. And yeah, most don’t, but that’s a personal preference, and a completely different story. But back to the main point- washing your hair should be a pleasurable and sanitary activity, and shouldn’t really be giving anyone stress. But unfortunately it often has the potential to do so, usually in the most inconvenient of situations.

            You’re probably asking yourself, how could shampooing your hair possibly have enough goddamn power to ruin your day and give you anxiety? Either that or you’re wondering why you’re wasting your time reading this rather pointless blog when there are so many more useful ways you could be spending your time. But let me tell you, one of the most annoying things ever, and I do mean EVER is when your shampoo and conditioner run out at different times.

            Okay so I probably sound like a shallow bitch. Like how could I possibly care so much about my hair products usage when there are skinny children starving to death in Africa? But I’m just going to ask you to kindly not judge me until this situation happens to you. Put yourself in my shoes for a second: you’re standing in the shower, enjoying the nice hot water and lathering shampoo into your hair, when you reach for the conditioner bottle, only to find it completely empty.

            How does this happen?! I, like everyone else, use an equivalent ratio of shampoo to conditioner, so it just doesn’t seem logical that one should run out so much before the other. And after the shampoo is done with, it seems like the conditioner continues to mock me for days afterwards. Try as I might, I just can’t seem to finish it off quickly enough, and have to deal with it’s plastic bottle just sitting there on my shower rack jeering at me. Conditioner, you asshole.

If this has ever happened to you before, you have my deepest sympathies. How’s a hygienic person to survive? There’s nothing you can do, except to squirt, lather, rinse, and repeat. Life is tough.

WordCount: 421

Nobody Fun Goes To Heaven

            Around this time of the year everyone become super charitable, and for a month or so everyone suddenly decides to perform random acts of kindness for strangers. Sometimes I feel like this is almost cheating- everyone knows you just want to be on the nice list. If you actually are a do-gooder, props to you. Just keep in mind that nobody fun goes to heaven, and that you should probably balance out your saintly acts with some minor crimes or something. Honestly, I don’t understand what’s so wrong with being on the naughty list anyways. In fact, coal is actually a really useful thing to have around! When the power goes out and there’s nothing to feed the fire with, who is everyone going to turn to for help? The badass naughty-list people with coal obviously!

But for all you naughty-listers who aren’t afraid of power outages, here are some nice things you can do for people this Christmas. You’re welcome. And feel free to thank me from heaven… I like diamonds, puppies, and male models. Surprise me.

1. Bring balloons for sick kids in the hospital

2. Tape popcorn to the Redbox for someone’s movie night

3. Pay for the coffee of the person behind you at Starbucks

4. Give the postman or garbage man a Christmas present

5. Send cookies to the fire/police department

6. Leave the change in a vending machine for someone else to find

7. Leave a good book with a “Read This!” note in a coffeehouse

8. Visit someone in a nursing home who doesn’t get visitors

9. Mail someone something anonymously

10. Put exact change in an envelope and tape it to a vending machine

11. Send a stranger a free pizza

12. Leave nice notes for random strangers on their windshields

13. Donate blood

14. Write a letter to someone who has impacted you life for the better

15. Mail a Christmas card to soldiers

16. Leave brownies on a neighbor’s doorsteps anonymously

17. Give a holiday card to people who have to work on Christmas Day

18. Leave your waitress a nice note with the tip

19. Leave a $5 gift card for a stranger in a public place

20. Give bubble wrap to people who look stressed

21. Compliment a manager on a helpful employee

22. Let someone go in front of you in a long line

23. Sit with someone who is eating alone

24. Anonymously send a dessert to a family’s table in a restaurant

25. Bring games to play with seniors in a nursing home

WordCount: 428

The Bright Side

Christmas is a time for cheerfulness and joy, and while most people are high on happiness and drunk on eggnog, some find it difficult to get into the Christmas spirit, especially when their wallets are empty from buying presents, and it’s the middle of December and there isn’t a single inch of goddamn snow on the ground. So to help spread Christmas cheer I decided to think of ways to see the bright side of life this December.

First off, don’t be depressed if you don’t have a significant other to share the holidays with. In reality, not having a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/domestic partner is probably easier than having one. Think about all the advantages to being single: you don’t have to deal with the stress of accepting the 24-carat white gold ring your perfect boyfriend proposed to you with; you can become majorly obese eating whatever delicious holiday food you want without being judged; you can unsuccessfully flirt with all of your colleagues at the staff Christmas parties while their spouses get mad; and most importantly you have full control of the TV remote at all times. You’ll be able to cry all you want over It’s A Wonderful Life, stuff caramel popcorn into your face, and drink full fat eggnog. Full fat, dammit! Best of all you’ll become a complete pro at ignoring your family’s questions about why you aren’t married yet. Pure bliss.

Next, don’t worry if you don’t have the best phone, car, house, job, or any other so-called “necessities of life” during the holiday season. If you think about it, it’s so much more convenient not having a damn thing to your name. You’ll never get robbed since you don’t have anything worth taking, and if a robber does try to mug you, you can just explain to him that you’re just as bad off as he is, and you two will instantly become homies. In addition, think about how nice it is to have a shitty phone. It won’t break if you drop it from the 42nd story of a building, and you’ll save money since no one will ever want to borrow it. In addition, it’s so much more effective to angrily slam down the screen of a dinosaur flip phone after a phone argument than it is to awkwardly tap the END button on the touchscreen on your 4G device.

Lastly, don’t be upset if you don’t receive presents from anyone this Christmas. In reality, the presents you might have received wouldn’t have been that great anyways. Did you really want an additional pair of knit socks to add to your collection from great-aunt Sharon? Or yet another expired coupon to Chili’s from that creepy old neighbor who lives with his 47 cats next door? And really, presents aren’t event that important. It’s the Christmas spirit inside of you that counts… or some shit like that. Unless of course, you are in fact on the receiving end of a 24-carat white gold ring, in which case take it and run.

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Perks Of Being A Guy

           Being a girl is hard work. You’re constantly expected to look pretty, smell nice, and have ultra-soft, hairless, legs. If you can’t cook you’re most likely going to be single for the rest of your life, and god forbid if you ever accidentally burp in public. You have way too many clothing options, and it’s a sin to wear the same exact outfit twice in a span of six months. Basically there aren’t many advantages to being a girl. And if there are, I don’t really want to discuss them at all… I just want to feel sorry for myself and detail exactly what I would do if I were a guy.

            If I was part of the male gender, I would take advantage of the fact that my fashion selections were limited to a t-shirt and either pants or shorts. I wouldn’t ever bother to take time matching my socks to my outfit, and would only shave for weddings, birthdays, and the occasional “Most Attractive Man” photo-shoot. I’d roll out of bed and not worry about my hair, and would spray on too much sexy-smelling cologne to get all of the attractive ladies who would obviously flock to me like in an Axe commercial.

If I were a man, I would swear too goddamn fucking much, and never have to apologize for it, bitches. I would be very suave, tip waitresses 50% every time I took a beautiful woman out to dinner, and maybe slip them my number if they were attractive enough. The only thing I would ever worry about cleaning up would be my credit history- not my act, not my room, and definitely not the dishes. I’d buy a bachelor pad and decorate it fully in leather and sports paraphernalia, without a trace of lace or chiffon anywhere. I wouldn’t even know what chiffon was, dammit.

If I was a guy, my phone conversations would always be short and sweet, and the line for the bathroom would be nonexistent. I’d never have to worry about if my boobs were too small or if the new jeans I bought made my butt look big. My last name would stay put forever, and underwear would cost $10 for a three-pack. Showing up at a party in the same outfit as another guy wouldn’t mean emotional trauma, but rather an opportunity to make a best friend. I’d be able to wear a white shirt to a waterpark, and wouldn’t require a support group to accompany me to the mall. Above all, I’d be able to go to the bathroom anytime, anywhere.

Being a guy beats being a girl any day. I rest my case.

WordCount: 445

A Word From Your Local Grinch

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The time when the sound of carols fill the air and the frosty air smells like evergreens and too-sweet hot cocoa. The time when stores are packed with frugal parents trying to find the perfect discounted gifts for their ungrateful little twerps, and desperate girls run around holding mistletoe above their heads, puckering up their chapped lips at any poor soul who happens to pass by. The most wonderful, beautiful, time of the year when everyone is merry and bright, and people magically start to remember what the Salvation Army is again. Its Christmas time again, dammit.

            It’s always so interesting to see the pre-Christmas madness that always ends up happening starting in December. Suddenly, Goodwill becomes the new clothing hot-spot, specializing in the ugliest of the ugly Christmas sweaters. Personally, I never understood this tradition- ugly sweaters around Christmastime? Why? The Virgin Mary never wore any goddamn ugly sweaters. The three wise men never wore ugly sweaters. Nobody involved with the birth of baby Jesus wore ugly sweaters! It’s simply a tradition that us Americans made up, just for the hell of it. On the bright side, all of the ugly sweater-wearing probably makes hobos and elderly grandparents feel like they fit in for once. All in the spirit of Christmas, of course.

            Another Christmas tradition I’ve never really comprehended is mistletoe. Obviously being kissed under mistletoe is adorable and romantic and cute and blah blah blah. But when you think about it, what does it have to do with Christmas? Absolutely nothing. No fucking thing. And why mistletoe? Why not poison ivy? It’s pretty much the same thing, they’re both plants. Besides, kissing under poison ivy would be more effective and have greater symbolism anyway. “You see kids? Kissing might be fun, but the after-effects are itchy. And painful. Love is painful.”

            The next Christmas belief on my “Things I Don’t Understand List” is elves. Little people. With pointy ears. Making toys for an old, fat, man in a red suit. I don’t really know what to say about that… Just why? But really. Why. I’m sorry, I sound Grinch-y. I don’t mean to be a Grinch, really. I just feel like some Christmas related activities are extremely hyped-up. And by hyped-up I mean overrated. And by overrated I mean nobody-really-cares-about-your-Juicy-Couture-Christmas-morning-pajamas. Or the fact that you got every single damn thing on your mile-long Christmas list. In fact, you and your pajamas and million dollars worth of presents can all just leave and go somewhere cold and depressing. Maybe you should go find out if elves are real. Or something.

           

WordCount: 440