Louis Vuitton Sale

During the summer I feel like’s its acceptable, and at times even appropriate, to shed a few layers and maybe not… uhmm… wear too much clothing. Like, obviously it’s hot outside, and it’s medically advised to not break out your ski hat and shoveling mittens in the middle of July. So with this excuse, some of us humans decide to dance around in our 3-inch-long shorts and transparent lace shirt, and society considers it conventional. Okay, so whatever, I guess it makes sense when it’s hot outside. But the line has to be drawn somewhere.

If you live in Hawaii, Florida, or another tropical climate, first off explain to me why you’re wasting your damn time reading this purposeless blog. And secondly, I hereby give you my permission to wear your skanky summer clothes year-round. Congratulations! Because you live in a temperate climate (which I’m sure must be just awful to have to deal with), it’s definitely okay for you to wear tank tops and flip flops 24/7. Unfortunately the rest of us, who are not as lucky as your suntanned selves, need to follow the rules of propriety and public decorum.

Honestly, it’s not that hard to exercise the regulations of modesty. Just practice common sense. Granted, common sense isn’t altogether too common. But it really isn’t too problematic to follow your senses. For example, if it’s -20°F outside, it might not be the smartest idea to break out those cotton printed micro-shorts you bought last summer at the Louis Vuitton sale.***

Similarly, if there’s snow on the ground, and you can SEE that there is snow on the ground, please don’t go squeaking around in a pair of rubber sandals. Just don’t do it. Unless, of course, you are trying to lower your shoe size and want your toes to fall out, in which case feel free to squeak away darling.

            If you do choose to wear clothing inappropriate in accordance with the temperature, do us all a favor and stick to your weather scheme. There is nothing more annoying that having to look at (and sometimes have to talk to) a climate-confused snow bunny who thought it would be “totally adorable!” to match her fuzzy winter boots with a miniskirt, fishnet leggings, and a hooded parka. Honey, looking at you makes us dizzy. Life is difficult enough without us having to dissect your outfit and take you to the nearest therapist. Please. Just stop. What’s that? You don’t know what the temperature is today? Well, you’re in luck! They make this great little device to help with that... I think it's called a thermometer? You should consider investing in one. 

*** This is a completely hypothetical situation, seeing as Louis Vuitton prohibits bargain sales, and hasn't had a sale in 154 years.

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Leave The Leaves Campaign 2012

Fall means thick sweaters, leaves, and pumpkin spice lattes. Fall means bonfires, leaves, and jack-lanterns. Fall means haunted houses, leaves, jack-o-lanterns, leaves, leaves, LEAVES. Leaves are everywhere. They fall all over our yards and litter our streets. They sneakily creep down from trees and end up in our hair, our clothes, and in the textbooks we accidentally drop when in a hurry to get to first hour. The issue is not that these leaves find their way into every goddamn corner too small to fit a Hoover into. The issue with fall leaves is that once upon a time, someone decided that was an issue to just let them land where they fell.

One fall day, many years ago, Adam and Eve’s grandchildren spontaneously decided that something had to be done about the supposed “mess” associated with this changing of seasons. Everyone knows that the devil made Eve eat the apple off the tree of evil. But what they don’t teach you in Sunday school is that the very same devil also created another evil in the form of a large pronged contraption, and urged the very first people of the world to use it to clear up autumn leaves. And thus was born the dreaded concept of raking.

Ever since that day, it has become socially unacceptable to have an un-raked yard. Why?! Why is it such a big deal to just let these leaves lay where they fall? If you look at it literally (and you should), we are annually being given a free carpet to enjoy for a month or so. A crunchy, colorful, nice-smelling autumn carpet! But, like all humans, we are idiotic, and have decided to ignore the fact that we are being given something good, and instead insist on removing all traces of this carpet, only to reveal the disgusting, brittle, dead brown grass underneath. God is probably sitting upstairs, laughing his ass off about how stupid we all are down.

This beautiful season is called “fall” for a reason. Leaves are falling. Let them fall! I say we all rebel against the common norms, and leave our leaves alone this year. I hereby mark this moment as the beginning of the Leave The Leaves Campaign 2012, headed by yours truly. All members are invited to attend an introductory bonfire later this month, and are also encouraged to bring a new or used rake to toss into the fire. In addition, we will be putting up posters all over town, advertising the anti-raking policies we stand for. Spread the word- we are against raking! We want to leave the leaves alone! Forget what the neighbors might think. This is a rebellion against the expectations our community has imposed upon us. Fuck society.

WordCount: 458

Look At The Sky

Why are people always in a hurry? Twenty minutes ago, I was (very slowly, mind you) pulling out of my driveway, when out of nowhere comes a driver in a black sedan, speeding down the road, honking angrily and making mean faces. Now, in all fairness, maybe it was a dire emergency. Maybe his wife was in labor, or his son had just broken his femur. Maybe Panchero’s was having a $1 burrito sale. But probably not the last one, because I would know about it. Anyways, watching this rushed middle-aged man doing 60 mph in a residential area made me realize: everyone nowadays is perpetually in a frantic hurry.

I feel that it is my duty as everyone’s role model to calm the world down. Let’s do an exercise. Imagine that you are a sponge full of water. The water inside you is slowly, slowly, leaving your body. You are completely relaxed. Now, close your eyes. If you are still reading this you are not relaxing. Dammit, stop reading! Okay, there you go. Much better. The water has now totally left your body, and you are now fully undisturbed. Great! Now open your eyes and go live your life in peace.

Just kidding. You probably couldn’t tell, but I’m not a psychologist or anything. I try to be, though. In all seriousness though, I think it’s really important to slow down sometimes and really take life for what it’s worth. If you zoom on by (literally- shout out to you sedan man) you’ll never realize everything you’re missing out on. For example, how many of you, while you are rushing off to wherever you need to be that’s so urgent, take a moment to look at the sky? Nobody? Well, then take a moment and look upwards! Seriously though, I’m sure there’s a window nearby- look at the damn sky. Have you ever noticed how pretty the sun and clouds can be? Most likely you haven’t, because your life is so important that you miss out on all the other details. Everything is all about you, you, you. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s really not. It’s about ME. So seriously, look at the sky.

PYSCH. I got you all. Secretly, I have a contract with a major glasses company whose name cannot be disclosed. They’re paying me big bucks to ruin your corneas. Fortunately, the sun is on my side, and you’re all super gullible. And here you all (my dedicated fans) thought I was getting deep and spiritual for once. Wrong. Very wrong.

WordCount: 425

Fish-Eyes

Pets are a cause for trauma. Coming from a family that has never, and probably will never, have any furry four-legged friends, I can safely say that if you have a pet, I have an unlimited of respect for you. I’ve never understood how people can be brave and daring enough to assume the total responsibility for another living being. On the multiple occasions when my sisters and I have won or brought home a fish, it has always had a shelf life of less than two weeks. I never understood why, since we’ve always fed it properly. And not just any food- we gave it the best steak money could buy.

I’m totally kidding. We gave it fish food, and cleaned its tank and everything. And they still died in a matter of days. One of my friends had mentioned that they had probably died due to “lack of attention”. Dafuq? Am I supposed to cuddle with my fish or something? Should I grab my snorkeling mask and jump into the fish tank for a nice little visit? Take it for a walk around the block? Call me a crazy catfish, but personally I don’t feel that having an emotionally attached relationship with your marine life is a healthy thing. Also, I don’t think my fish ever like me.

 For example, every time I come out to look at them, my fish always go hide in their toy tank castle. It’s like they hate me! Bitches, I brought you into this house and gave you a nice and spacious tank! I spent money on those purple pebbles, and I (mostly) remember to feed you. Would you have that kind of life if you were still living the ocean/ pet store? Uh, no. You should be fucking grateful that I’m your owner. So maybe I accidentally let your cousin Goldie slip down the sink disposal. And maybe I like to torture you by tapping on your bowl. And maybe I did put a mirror next to your tank to laugh while you aggressively blew fishy-bubbles at your own reflection. But geez, give me a break! I’m sorry, okay? Stop judging me with those big fish-eyes!

But I guess I don’t really feel like fish qualify for being a pet anyways. You can’t do anything with them. They won’t fetch sticks for you, you can’t cuddle with them, they’re no good for keeping away intruders, and sometimes little four-year-olds you’re babysitting might reach in and try to eat them (true story). Basically having a fish is no better than having a rubber duck. Actually, its worse- at least the rubber duck makes a sound when you squeeze it. Fish don’t do anything if you squeeze them. I would know.  

WordCount: 473